Recent Read: The Five Love Languages

Jason and I spend a lot of time in the car, so we have started reading together when we can. I know this time will probably pass quickly as Ariel starts talking more, but we're enjoying it while we can. Right now, we've decided to alternate between reading a non-fiction book that we can apply to our life in some way and a fiction book just for fun. Jason likes the idea of reading, but its really just not his thing. So I read to him. The second book we read together was The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. We both read this book in college as part of a sociology of the family course, but figured after five years of marriage we might have a different perspective about it (and more opportunity for application). We were right.

If you haven't read it, here's my synopsis. The book is about keeping your marriage alive (and healthy) once the in love euphoria fades. Chapman asserts that we need to learn how to love one another in the right way. He presents five love languages that he believes people speak: words of affirmation, quality time, giving gifts, physical touch, and acts of service. Basically, he says that we often try to show love to one another in a way that doesn't actually communicate love to them (or in a language they don't speak).  Thus, the relationship suffers if we don't take the time to learn our loved one's love language-what it is and how to speak it fluently.

For our marriage, this book was a good reminder; a chance to reeveluate our own love languages and how well we have been speaking them to each other. We had guessed them in college, but weren't completely sure they were right. Who knows themselves fully in college? Jason and I think his primary love language is words of affirmation. He was reminded that he recieved lots of this kind of love from his parents while growing up (and still). He kinda ranked the other four by importance to him as followes: physical touch and acts of service, gift giving and quality time. For me, number one is quality time (with some emphasis on quality conversation - a dialect of quality time). Reading together and discussing what we read is great for me. The rest may fall in this order: words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch, gift giving. We both speak the others love language pretty comfortably and often enough, but we are both trying to be more intentional in speaking the other's love language more consistently and carefully. In my case, I need to be aware that hurtful (or careless) words spoken to someone who speaks the language of words of affirmation are extremely upsetting - as much as good words show love, the harmful words communicate the opposite. I, in turn, realized how important Jason's undivided attention, eye contact and all, is to me feeling like ours is a loving relationship.

Additonally, I have been challenged by this book to consider what the love languages of my close family members and friends might be. If I can speak their "language," maybe they will more likely to realize how much they are loved and appreciated as a part of my life. Everyone needs to feel loved. One part of the book explained that when a person feels securely loved they are opened up to achieve their potential. They no longer have to focus on so much self-preservation and can turn their energies to greater things external of themselves. (Read the book if you want it to make more sense, I can't find the exact words I am searching for and I can't find my book.)

Jason and I both had a moments of perspective when reading too. We realized this book is just one man's ideas. Yes, they are well-researched, they are tested, and they make good sense, but they aren't necessarily fact. It's easy to read any non-fiction book and give the author complete trust. We need to evaluate and consider...take it with a grain of salt. We still appreciate the ideas in this book very much and plan to apply them, but realize this is but one way to view the marriage relationship and as such is imperfect.

I totally recommend this book to married couples, but feel everyone who interacts with other people can use it. We can all benefit from learning that the way we are trying to love someone may not be communicating love at all.

What do you think of this book if you've read it? What's your love language? Do you think you could benefit from these ideas? What are your thoughts?