Too Personal to Post?

Lately, I haven't blogged weekly as I committed to do. I've thought about it a lot, but never felt like sitting down and pouring it all onto the screen when I have a moment to -- so I didn't. The topics I felt like writing about just didn't seem perfect. They didn't seem authentic to my life. And to be honest, I'm not sure today either, but here I am.

Really I've been tempted to make my blog more personal than seems appropriate when I get down to actually writing it. The ideas I get for writing are things like "what we do to save money" which I'll probably write about eventually just to see what everyone else does too. But I couldn't really write it because I didn't feel any passion for it when I sat down - my mind was elsewhere and that was too personal to write about it. I've judged people (wrongly probably?) for getting their public internet blog confused with their private journal. I still think it is important to remember the two are different, but I've been analyzing the issue in my head a little. I think this issue has been at the heart of my lack of posting. Sometimes I wonder if a little more transparency isn't such a bad thing.

I don't always have a good day, my mood isn't always glorious. You (the few people who actually read this) probably even know this all too well. So why do I feel the need to only post happy, cutesie, informative, list things on here? Why do I feel such aversion to posting my feelings if they aren't positive? Why is it I even feel a little guilty just for thinking about it?

Well, I think most of that is cause I've decided it's bad decorum. Right now, I'm considering back tracking a little. Mostly because I wonder if what I'm calling decorum is based more in pride (and fear of people's judgment). I want to look like I have it all together too. I want to be perceived as smart and calm and happy. As frugal and fun and loving and creative and godly. A good mother and wife. Not in that order...maybe sometimes I lean to that order though unfortunately.

That's what I mean. I'm hesitant just to post that last thought. I think I'm going to try to be a little more transparent on here in the future.

My blog is not therapy. I can make a private blog if I needed that, but why shouldn't my friends know where my head and heart really are? Is that really such a bad thing? I'm pretty sure it's where my head and heart get to that seems so questionable - maybe it is that bad. Even as I type that I know it isn't true. I'm not that unusual. My feelings and thoughts aren't that atypical. Most people wouldn't be surprised let alone shocked by them.

I can be more honest without being mopey or sulky or glorifying the negative. I can share my honest struggles without letting them control who I am. I can be honest without being a complainer or gossiping or sinning.

What do you think?

This blog can be an oportunity for me to keep up with some of my friends. To share what it going on with my family and me. People I don't always get a chance to talk to or those I don't always get to talk to enough. Too often when I see good friends, we don't have time with the many activities and kids and such to really talk anymore. Maybe we can know each other better through our blogs. I get that this isn't private - so there is a very solid line, but maybe I've made my line a little too close. Now I'm rambling. I tend to think better out loud...typing is out loud right? That's enough for today, I think.

One last thought, I'm not going to make this blog about my emotional health from now on. I'm just going to let myself write a little more freely if something a little more personal seems worth sharing.