More than a Mom

I think this has been coming for about a month now, but I just didn't realize it. It appears I am finally re-entering the real world. I feel like I've been living in a mommyland bubble since Ariel was born. I've been interacting with people and going places and such, but everything has been seen through the mommy filter.

For example. Say someone asks me to do something. I have to ask "Can I go??" What I'm really thinking is...can Ariel go? Will Ariel have to miss a feeding if I go? How comfortable will Ariel be if we go - can she crawl around? talk? nap? and on and on and on...

It's been this way with everything. Granted, this kind of thinking isn't bad, but it can be a little overwhelming and a little overdone. But that's not what I'm writing about - I'm writing about moving on some.

So where is the progress? I've noticed it in the things I've been doing over the last few weeks. I think I'm starting to get a life. Can I say that without sounding like a bad mom? Or one that doesn't love being a full time mom? I do love staying home with Ariel, so much so that I didn't even realize things have been slowly changing. I love being her mommy.

Anyhow, it started with teaching at MACU. As I mentioned before, I'm teaching two sections of a one-hour study skills class this fall. It appears that I'll be teaching it again in the spring. I'm really enjoying it. It is challenging and interesting and every class is different. It's something I'm doing and it doesn't really have anything to do with Ariel or me being her mom. I even have to leave her with someone else to do it (usually my mom or Jason). This was a big step for me. The first night of class it was hard. I told Jason (Jason! her own dad!) exactly how to take care of her for 1 hour (one hour!) while I was gone. Thinking back it seems SO silly - but it was really hard for me to let go even for that little bit of time. He didn't really care for it either.

Next, I've started getting involved in the children's program at church. For the last couple of years at Christ's Fellowship, I've participated in planning meetings, a tiny bit of set up and break down, and running the presentation software during services. These are necessary, but they aren't...something. Hmmm, I can't really find the words. I am serving God in doing these things, they aren't meaningless at all - but they don't seem like the best fit for me. Like maybe I'm a hand trying to be a foot. Hands can do some of what feet do, but that's not what they were made for. I don't know if that's a good analogy. Oh well. My point is that I've started teaching at church and I like it. It feels right to be ministering in this way. It's fun and challenging and I'm getting to know the kids. I like that. Maybe that's the difference. It's more personal. Oh I don't know.

Further, I've finally starting thinking about teaching as a job in a positive light again. Ironically, as soon as I finished my elementary education training, my desire to teach in the elementary school diminished. It didn't make sense. I wasn't sad or disappointed at all that I wouldn't be getting into my own classroom that next fall. That desire to teach children in a school setting completely disappeared. It didn't make sense - for years I'd felt like teaching was my thing. And suddenly I was happy not to be teaching - I didn't even apply for my teaching license until this fall (over a year after I finished all the requirements!) Now, its back though. I wonder if its disappearance was kind of a "mommy" thing or even hormonal - like my whole purpose is to care for this new life and nothing else matters right now, everything else has to go. Maybe since Ariel isn't quite so dependent as she was has opened me up for other things. I'm not planning to get into a classroom full-time anytime soon, but if I needed to or it was time - at least now I wouldn't dread it. I would be excited again.

Also, I've started watching a dog. This is tiny and probably doesn't even qualify, but I'm excited about it. I responded to a flyer asking for a dog sitter on Tuesday's and Thursday's for a year old pug. It gives us a little extra cash every week and I like it. Today was our trial day and it went great. The little girl, Remi, was just as sweet as could be. She played well with the dogs and Ariel and has great manners. Jason, with his musical and speaking abilities, has lots of opportunities to earn a little money here and there, but I never really have those chances. This is a neat, fun way for me to get a little pocket cash for us, too.

Finally (or the last thing I can think of right now), I'm considering going to the Women of Faith Conference in the beginning of November. This sounds silly to include on this list, but for me it's huge. To go, I have to leave Ariel for 2 days (give or take a little) less than a week after her first birthday. I haven't spent a single night away from her since she was 6 weeks old. I feel strongly that we weren't quite as strongly bonded as some mothers/babies at that point at least in part because of my c-section and struggles with breastfeeding, so leaving her then wasn't as difficult then as it is now [squashing down the guilt feelings]. Back to WOF though, I'm scared about this. I'm still waffling in fact. She is still breastfed 3 times a day and we are a month away from this trip. I don't feel compelled to stop breastfeeding the minute she turns one either. I'm planning to let her wean naturally once we get down to 2 feedings a day (first thing in the morning and right before bed). I know I can go on this trip and pump when she should have a feeding and I can make sure she has enough milk while I'm away, but I'm still a little hesitant. I need to go to this conference for me. It will be good for me - for my faith and my relationships. The only hurdles to me going are my own feelings, a little planning, and to be honest money (but hopefully the fundraisers will put a big dent in this one).

I don't really feel like I need to do this for Ariel right now. She'll get her nights away from me soon enough. Some women have mentioned that it is time and such, but I don't think she is being harmed by being with me too much. She hasn't exhibited any stranger anxiety. She goes to anyone who wants to hold her, she has been in the nursery at church since she was maybe 2 months old, and she has stayed for several hours with other family members and friends. There were only about 2 weeks during her 8th or 9th month where she seemed to prefer me to anyone else and she was doing A LOT of teething at that time. She's a happy, funny, active baby.

So anyhow, if you made it this far, thanks for listening to my ramble. All that to say, I think I'm transitioning into more than a mom. I'm not really back to anything I was before because everything is different now, but I am becoming more. Learning to be mom (still learning if you are wondering) took all my attention for a while - then remembering to be a wife while being a mom had to work its way in there, but now I get to be more too. I get to be Teri again or at least I get little glimpses of her. That's enough for me...honestly, I didn't realize she was missing till she got back.